and this is how it all went down. Check it.
First, this dude named Elliot, skinny dude with a funky beard, he asks, “If the ‘true’ Reformed doctrine of, say, the Eucharist is actually much more realist than we’ve ever known, and in fact virtually transubstantial, … then why won’t Ref Caths admit Rome (by God’s grace) upheld the orthodox position and stop muddying the waters?”
Then this guy called the Pontificator steps in and asks, “Why should we care what Calvin believed about the Eucharist?”
And then, oh man, this Reformed Catholic dude named Paul jumps in to defend the REFORMED aspect of Reformed Catholicism. “To answer the question once and for all: we couldn’t be very good Calvinists if we didn’t ask ourselves, ‘What does Calvin think about this?’ Hope that clears everthing up.”
Yeah, pretty crazy, huh? But, dude, it gets way better, cuz then the Pontificator dude says, “But Paul, why would anyone want to be a Calvinist if he is trying to be a Reformed Catholic? Isn’t the whole point of invoking the word catholic to critically subject the Reformed tradition to the entire Tradition of the Church?”
Pretty dope, huh? But the best, man, the cherry on top of it all, was when that crazy Elliot dude jumps back in with a reassuring explanation of it all. Peace filled the horizon, Bambi’s mom never got shot and ambidextrous spreading knives covered the earth.
“Silly Pontificator, it’s simple. We can’t be good Christians unless we are good Calvinists. We can’t be good Calvinists unless we listen to and follow Calvin. We can’t listen to and follow Calvin unless we are good Reformed Catholics. We can’t be good Reformed Catholics unless we interpret Calvin through and beneath the whole catholic tradition. We can’t understand the whole catholic tradition unless we interpret it through and under Calvin. Wait a second, you might be right; this is all a bit off. What am I missing? What link in the chain is missing to make this all more than ecumenical sophistry?”
I’ll never forget that night, man. Never. The day the Calvinist praise music died. Oh wait.